My thoughts and stuff

wow..XD i thought everything did change for the better but i was wrong..nothing has changed and a part of me feels like it has gotten worse..the gap we have has been stretch to like near forever..and somehow it always has to be their way..why cant it be our way for once..no one really expects them to make "the big gesture" but at least they should try…

yes,it is their show but we are a part of that show too..everyone is even in the tiniest way..so why not just leave all the differences behind and enjoy the ride..with little time left in our clocks, sadly no one seems to care..:( all we can ever hear are SECRETS SECRETS SECRETS..the infuriating sound of gossip and whispers are all there is to listen to..change the pace!! - no we cant..we must always comply to that standard they put in where no one must exceed..either we quit or the show will go on in lies and hidden pains..

no one can get closer no more..it once was better when everyone was simple and happy..but that blissful paradise can only last till our smile fades away as the SECRETS come crawling in and stealing the show away..

i can only sit and watch..

til here, i die
on this passing moment i lie
this breath i take - now pass
the yearning - gone at last.

til here, i die
with the glory i fly
holding this last breath
safe inside myself.

til here, i die
so solemn - my goodbye
now gone to the underworld
i fear, freeze and curl.

til here, i die
choking with tears, all tied
trapped as fall to my death
but again awakened by this death.

til here, i die
"no more!", i cry
swallow this cure
darkness - all i want and more.

alone and cold in the season of rain.. where no one stands beside me just my shadow and me..this is what i see..all the deaths of the world where evil resides..YES!!!!this darkness that chokes me to my end..while the ends wrapped in poison of fear where no one can escape..i say run and hear your own cries..echoing through the corridors with fear entangling your wrists and slits them half open.. let’s cross this line to where our fortress belongs and kill the hope the breathed life into it.. destroy the abyss of this SWEET SORROW where we are all forgotten in time..it steals my faith away from this kingdom i call my own.. captures my very existence and erases me from time to the point where this all has started.. no where to go…no where to run..no where to hide..for this will last until we all stop and see the works of it..you think you can hide but there is no way out..it is rooted to where it can only sit and watch while it tortures you with an endless fall into the abyss of loneliness..no anger shall prevail but its..

your mind toys with you…

(disclaimer: this blog entry doesn’t mean any harm to those who are reading it..these are just thoughts that pop from my head and i just posted it..thats all..so enjoy and thanks for reading..)

run away!!!!!this silence is choking my mind of my head…

i try to but i cant..i shouldnt..yes this is fate..it is life..we have to deal with it…I HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT..i turn to the right corner but say the wrong ideas…i go to the wrong corner but say the right things…when is this really going to end…

i feel that i lack it all…i lack power, determination, passion and of course ATTENTION..class…yes i am talking about the fate that we-the fortunate people- complain about..we talk as if this is just free..but it isnt..like rain…if you people think that rain is for free..it isnt..everything in this world is not free…we pay through our consequences or our gratitude and thanksgiving..i believe that i have it..it - what is takes to be the better person…i need to be the better one or i might suffer the same ill fate that everyone else i see is suffering from…all i see is silence filling this forsaken place i call my school…the university i go to..this silence is the lack of zeal, and determination to be the better generation..but it seems that we still arent..we the selfish youth havent opened our eyes yet to the bigger picture in life which isnt a self portrait of you alone but a mural of the world and everyone in it..

basically my point is that we all should do better in school…i see co - Carolinians skipping class or dropping them..how can they call themselves Carolinians when they are the better classes people..we should think big think better..and not think selfishly or we in turn might suffer…i promise to myself that i will achieve what i want and need to achieve..and for starters, get better grades in class…thats all..

wow..regret is really a big word…we tend to take it for granted until the time comes when it hunts us like a hungry dog and bites us from behind..see we do things without even thinking of the many consequences that will come after it..really i know if you are reading this you can’t say "no" cause everyone surely has tried it.

   as you can see in one of my pictures(recently my primary photo) i have a patch on my eye..yes one of the many consequences i get and i definitely am regretting this..my cornea just got a wound..a minor looking scratch but a fatal blow on my part..see i can barely open my right eye already and it definitely hurts bad…the bright side is that i will recover and my sight won’t get affected..really you can’t just go putting things in your eye..take it from me..i got a patch on my eye you know!

yup, regret..biting me from behind..i have been taking so many things for granted lately..i know i shouldn’t be but i am.college is getting screwed up..my grades have dropped and i say to myself to work harder but i am up..this is my eye-opening slap on the face telling me to be more serious i get..ironic right?!eye-opening..haha God works is so many mysterious ways and this is one way of showing me that what i have been doing lately is not of benefit  to anyone rather it is doing the opposite..i told myself i wouldn’t be so hard on myself during college but this is just too much..i have been like on a vacation lately not doing as much work as i need to be doing.so this patch on my eye will be my slap on the face waking me up from this vacation and time to start getting some work done..yes, i will be the nerd i once was..i like that nerd i used to be..why?!coz i was never disappointed with my performance despite people telling my how loser-ish i am for studying so late at night.. i will try harder..i promise you that..

right now all i have to do is get some rest and get my eye fixed..haha=) what i meant was get it healed..God isnt that harsh.. He will heal my eye too..anyways..till here..

its been a while since my last post…but the good news is im still here…i just experienced college first hand and its really full of responsibilities and freedom..hehe

so my post today will be about love..yes people fall in and out of love all the time..it has become such a common thing that even young children who do not understand feelings like this claim to have experienced it and have gone into relationships..im already 17 years of age and still im a new player at this game..i was never in a rush to get into serious things like relationships or college..but you can never be too prepared to this feeling at all..it is like a scoop of your favorite ice cream…there will always be complications in eating it like it melts, it might drip on you and things like that..but once you eat that scoop it feels really good..

i am now going to talk about those who take this lightly..my question that baffles me all the time is why do you go in relationships wherein you are not even sure of it…this isnt just a hit and miss kind of situation..you cant just claim you love that person right away..you have to go through the whole getting to him/her, being friends, then loving that person…you just cant court and say yes to anyone..a relationship is something really serious and shouldnt be taken lightly…some would ask why?!if you dont like him anymore just break up..hahaha you cant just go "lets break up" coz this sorta thing affects lives of people…affects the daily activities and the way of thinking…you have to be able to think of the other person not only yourself…you have to aware of the boundaries and limitations set coz of the relationship…you have to have self-control in anything you do..you have to be AWARE that the opinion of your partner will always matter..

college is really here…im just home tired from school..heheh well, now i go to a university..funny how time flies so fast yet no one really notices…a couple of times someone close to you says those familiar words but none of us really think about it..hihihihi:D we think that we got everything all figured out yet we still commit those same and familiar mistakes…we hear voices from those who care telling us how to live our lives as best we could but we still go astray…

i just watched this japanese drama series which really made me think about what i am doing and what i am doing with my life..me and 2of my friends watched it in the four corners of our rooms….silence filled it with such joy and the drama screamed to us this four - lettered word that no one will ever understand it to its fullest - "L I F E".. yes..the desire to live, the passion to do something worthwhile, the eagerness to make a difference…all these will shout LIFE to anyone who is listening…this drama made us three cry not just because the scene/episode was pitiful or because it was sad..but because it made us think of how much we should value every second we have…this second to make a change, to open up doors, and to fulfill our purpose with great pride and joy…

many of the people are already thinking about suicide or killing other people…well, what about those who have been suffering and yet can still maintain that desire to live, to give such great meaning to the gift of God - life..a very simple yet complicated word…a paradox which no man can explain to its fullest meaning…
the story was about a girl who wanted to help mankind..who wanted to return all the warmth and care she had been blessed with to those who didnt have any…she was diagnosed with a rare disease that no one can survive…in the end she died, fulfilling her purpose..indeed she helped many with her inspiring thoughts put into words..her diary inspired so many and up to this day is still inspiring more and more to always live to the fullest…

now that i am college with my friends i would want to spread this very wonderful message i received from that drama..to grow up and live the way God would want you to live…hehehe i know that this blog is a really serious one but nowadays people just throw their lives away like it were a piece of paper…there really is no second chance on earth and we have to do this as best we could…i just wanted to share to you all how that drama really touched my life and my friends’ lives as well….it really does make you think a lot…hihihihihi

why???right now im asking myself "why??" is there any answer to this question…my feeble attempt to grasp the ideas that are before me will never be possible..it will never be my reality…see, my past is seemingly haunting…i have already gotten over everything..after all im still standing here, alive and well..but then why does it seem like my past will never go away??does this still mean im not over all the hardships and failures, the triumphs and the losses??and of all the times why now??see i told you the word "why" would keep popping in my head..hehehe well back to the main topic here…its like i want to lock it up in my mind coz if i keep remembering them, they will haunt me and it would just be like not getting over it all..grrr…i dont like it…its taking too much of my energy and my time..i try not to think about it but it just keeps finding its way back into my mind..my thoughts are toying with me..i dont want to go schizophrenic…

it is very difficult to let go of some of the stuff from the past but when you have no other choice you have to sacrifice..there really are somethings that arent meant to be..ironic how life can play with your mind..many have experienced tough pasts and they have gone through so much just to try and forget it or get through it…i experienced it myself but this time around i think i’ve been traumatized..hehe i sound like payton in one of her podcasts…well here podcasts arent very applicable so we go for blogs…its funny thinking you’ve got most of it figured out but then something entirely different happens and you fall back on your knees once more..what is happening to me??im supposed to be celebrating yet my heart doesnt seem to be interested in all the fun..it’s too preoccupied  figuring out things and trying to put things in perspective…really, life has gotten a lot more difficult..looking back at my old days all we ever worry and think about are school work and your classmates..hehe but over the past few years a lot has changed..i for one have changed so much that only a hint of me back then exists in me now…it isnt necessarily a bad thing but now the trials are like stage 10 or something…i know it will make a tougher but is this the way it should end???or the way it should begin??teens decades ago didnt have to experience these things..like the song "the times have changed us, our silence is deafening.."change really is the only permanent thing in this changing world…right now what’s happening is im choking by the hands of the fate of the distant memory and it is trying to make amends by ending my life…why??

still i dont get why it haunts me..someone please answer me..hehehe i think he is the only one who holds the answers..all i need to do is talk to him..

well here i am again..me and my thoughts…hehe=) do you know that feeling where satisfaction gets the best of you?!well it got me..and it got me good..hehe for those who are reading this i dont mean to brag or anything, i just want to pour out my excitement and sadness coz i dont want it to build up in my system..really, graduation is just around the corner and there really is no turning back…a lot of people say that it is a great adventure eventually one must prepare for..but is it really "great"?! or is it just a big pile of responsibilities?? but there are really some things that are pushing me away from high school life..making me want to leave badly..and im sure im not the only one experiencing this right now..a lot of us will be missing those days where all we do is laugh or those days where pressure always seems to find us..but i am also sure that there is something that is making you want to speed up time and get on with high school,right?!

in our class we have gone through so much DRAMA..i mean i think i poured so much tears this year i cant even keep count as to how many times i cried..whether it be tears of joy, laughter, anger or sorrow..everything that happened, happened for a reason and i for one can’t question that..it really was an unexpected year for me..and i didnt even imagine it would end this way..all these years i’ve been pouring effort in my studies and now it really paid off…

tiff: no one can replace my memories with you girl..hehe we have been through so much together and it is really cool to have you in those times where all i needed was to smile..you could always make me smile..
czjan: wow!!i salute you..really..i mean you are one of the best ever..and i believe that you have finally come out of your shell..hehe i hope for the best you know coz you are the best…outstanding job!!
hazmine:the world cant even compare to what hazmine has..no, not her butt..her talent!!hehehe yup she can manage to do so many stuff at the same time and still have enough time for her bf..that is one great time management girl..hehe you have perfected the art..
to dan: congratulations!!!amazing..i mean you did well..you did better than well, you did awesome..and no one could’ve have done it better than you!!
to patricia: girl, you managed to stay hot and be second honor!!no one can beat you in this battler..
carl: son, just grow up and follow your goals..hehe i know that deep down there really is the heart of a 5year old..hahaha just kidding..i mean dude you already rock!!bass is really your thing and no one can take that away from you…
jeff: man, you are one of us no matter what the world will say..one of the most talented people i’ve ever met and it astounds me everytime because of what you can do…i salute you as well!!and duh, you MADE IT MAN!!!
hanna,ana,ric,angeline,lloyds,mae.jen:  girls, i dont know what to say..coz i have had a blast on this journey..and without you girls it wouldn’t even be roller coaster ride…hehe im so thankful to the Lord that i finally got to know the real people under those shells…and i am so sure the God is happy because i have made great friendships that will last..thank you!!
philline: tookie..hehe 4th yr life wouldn’t be full of laughter if it weren’t for your wacky laugh and you crazy ideas!!and you are so talented you can go broadway and beat Lea with just a flick of a finger..hehe
val, clinton, kharl: chicken stew will forever rock guys…i know that it really is late in the year when we finally got our wishes..JAM..but i had the best time ever..the satisfaction of finishing that song was incomparable…it was like nothing i ever dreamed of or could imagine..the feeling was like heaven you know..im glad that we chose that song too!! coz we will SAIL through college with a breeze..
ryan,kevin,bryan,mark,gian,ed,marrion,justine: guys im speechless..you just dont know how much all of you have matured..hehe well not in the sense like you gotta work now or anything..since 1st year you all know that i was not very close with any of you..but this year i wanted to change things..and it opened so many doors…all those talks during breaks, all those games and the laughter..wow!!hehe i dont know how to thank you all for giving me the chance to at least learn things from you points of view…thanks..

today i just received a message from my friend asking me if i was feeling okay…all i could say was "yeah..of course i am." but is that really the truth?!or was i hiding something from them??am i really okay??well, i guess i cant answer that question right now coz i myself am quite unsure of what my answer should be…

but i have lately been feeling a little down..i guess im running out of that so called "juice"..hehe=) yup the juice…right now i just need something to keep me going..iim kind of getting tired of putting so much effort and yet no one really appreciates it..but that doesnt mean im looking for attention or anything okay?!let’s not misunderstand each other..i just need some motivation so that i know that someone still appreciates my effort…i am struggling with my grades and im not sure if i can make it to the top..well more like the best i can be…since the stress is all out and im going down…my head has been aching lately and my body is feeling really tired too..

everyday i wake up and think about whether i should go to school or just stay home..then i decide to go but when i reach the school it seems as though i lose the energy to go all out with whatever i can do..which then results to staring at the floor often..hahahaha right now i’ve been spending a lot of alone time and stuff..i dont know..maybe this is the solution to this…or maybe its just making it worse..and being grounded is not helping me at all..